Monday, January 30, 2017

At a stand still

Describing the past couple of days to a random stranger would be a difficult task. No drugs were taken at all. I have been clean and sober from all drugs including my schizophrenia medication. I've gone on walks during the middle of the night. I'm coming to a couple realizations. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life unless I make some changes in my life.

I literally shit myself yesterday. I was prairie dogging it walking and running home. I was close to making it to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and exploded all over the floor. The consistency was like mush. It was nasty as all get out. I'm about to embark on the next chapter of my life. I'm about to be given access to hundreds of dollars each month. What will I do with the money? Will I spend it on drugs? Yes. Will I spend it on health products? Yes. Will I invest it? Yes.  I have every intention of going to the next level in my life. I'm watching my life unfold. I'm a divorced almost graduated exmormon who believes in advaita. I'm sort of at a crossroads. I haven't used in over two weeks. With this new money coming in I could easily use and start a new trip where I write and act under the influence of mary jane.

I don't know why I hear voices in my life. I started hearing voices before I started using cannabis. Using cannabis does not exacerbate hearing them. InI use cannabis a sacrament and everyday according to i-self is a holy day. What is wrong with worshiping ishvara with the herb? This is the privilege I claim as a ex-mo hindu rasta to worship God according to the dictates of my own conscience. Thomas aquanas mentioned the necessity of god. I could easily be an atheist. However I feel like I am choosing to believe in something even if I know it is made up like the tooth fairy. I want to be a writer during my life. I will use the platform of blogging. That is all for now. end of transmission. 4:47 AM on jan 30 2017

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